I was thinking after I wrote that last post about the idea of help. I think asking for help can bring up a feeling of helplessness, of victimhood; the mentality that I need help, that I can’t do it on my own. According to google dictionary, help means to “make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one’s services or resources.”
I would like to bring in the idea of being of service or assisting. Sometimes I have people come into my office for a fix it, that somehow they are less than, they are not whole, that I can fix or make them better. When I am in therapy or coaching mode, I see my client(s) as whole, as someone who has resources, as someone who is courageous for reaching out. I provide assistance and resources and a vast array of skills that I can teach. AND my client can meet me as a whole person.
Essentially, I want to be clear that asking for help doesn’t denote lesser than. That one can ask for help, for assistance, for resources, for guidance from a place of completeness.
Homework if you choose: notice how you do or don’t ask for help. What holds you back or pushes you forward?
Image curtesy of Stuart Miles at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net.
Why is it often times hard to ask for help? Is it that it shows vulnerability, that we are weak if we can’t do it on our own? Is it that we don’t want to infringe on others? Or take someone’s time? Perhaps shyness and going up to someone feels scary?
I think reaching out/ asking for help takes courage. There is the possibility of someone saying no which we sometimes give meaning that it is rejection of us.
I think the first step is knowing what we want. Is it connection? Is it seeking knowledge on how to do something?
I also think it is important to not put yourself at a disadvantage, by comparing that the other person has something you want, by comparing that they are somehow better or that I am lesser because I am reaching out.
Practice Exercise: First notice what you want, you don’t have to do anything, just simply notice. Next, notice any meaning or story that you create around this want (I shouldn’t want it, I should know this, they won’t help even if I ask). Then play with asking, put yourself out there. Maybe in a small way, then challenge yourself more. Remember it only takes a few seconds of courage to do something
Image curtesy of Stuart Miles at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net.
The other day I went swimming in a suit that I have had for years. It is sturdy material, not the typical nylon, slick swimsuits that I have had in the past that become see through after a while.
At the end of my swim, I climb out of the pool. There are quite a few people around waiting for the water aerobics to start. The man in the other lane mentions something to the extent of, “You had such a hard swim today that you ripped your suit.” I looked down, confused. Then realized that my rear seam had split open. “Oh my. I will not be going to the hot tub then,” I thought.
How often can we get caught up in meaning or holding onto something that has happened in the past. I could have gotten embarrassed, I am sure I was red in the face. In the past, I would have not been able to make eye contact, would think about it for ages, wonder who had seen, who had laughed. This time, I was able to acknowledge that he had shared and that I was not walking around more with my a ripped bottom of my suit. I was able to let it go. Well mostly let it go, I did get a laugh out it with several friends.
I also think of the man. How often do I not say somethign to someone. Someone who may have food in their teeth, their collar half up, their hair messed in the back. It takes courage to tell someone what you notice. More often than not, I experience people being grateful that I shared. I will say I was certainly grateful the man told me.
Homework if you choose: when you notice something, say something to the other person. Remember you may not get the response you want, they may respond out of fear or embarrassment. You can take a big breath knowing that you shared and they can do what they want with the information.
Image courtesy of arztsamui at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
My friend, Deb Katz, is part of something super exciting. Her friends and colleagues Diana Chapman and Jim Dethmer at The Conscious Leadership Group have written the defining book of our time on the revolution in leadership happening world wide. We’re talking leadership at every level of life, from looking in the mirror, to personal relationships and business.
I’m so excited to remind you that the book, The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership is available for purchase on Amazon starting Thursday, 1/15/2015.
If you plan to purchase the book, please do it on Thursday the 15th as they are trying to hit the top of Amazon’s recommended book list.
The book is 47% off until Jan 22nd so it’s a perfect time to get it for yourself, co-workers, your team, anyone you know is interested in the leadership paradigm game changer of the 21st century.
It is available at Amazon. If you want it in paperback, click here, and if you want it in Kindle, click here.
They have a lion on their website and wanted to share a picture of the power of leadership. Photo compliments of papaija2008 at freestockphotos.net.
It is still Jan and after my last two posts, one might think that I would be on top of my intentions. Well last week I wasn’t. I will use myself as an example here.
My intention since mid Oct has been to write a blog post every week, posting on Fri. I didn’t this week. Now at this time I could blame myself (Geez why can’t I just write the post), be critical (I am a lazy person), make up stories (See, you can’t keep an intention long term). And I ask, does that actually get me anywhere besides feeling down on myself? My answer is no, it doesn’t. So instead, I acknowledge it. “I didn’t write my blog post when I told myself I would.” I own that I didn’t do it. It is a fact. Here tone is important. Am I saying this with blame or judgement in my voice? And I am honest with myself. I don’t just go through the motions to get to the next step. I take a deep breath without the judgement or blame, a non-toxic breath.
Next I asked myself “Do I want to continue with this?” When I said, “Yes,” I recommitted and am now taking action by writing and posting. It is that simple when you or I step away from our intentions. Try it out and see what happens.
Image curtesy of nirots at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net.
How do you want to bring in your new year? There can be a lot of hype around it, celebrations, anticipation of the first kiss of the new year.
I have a friend who touches everything she has. She calls it taking inventory. A great way to clear away what is not useful or wanted, in order to make space for new. This can go for physical items and I also want to bring attention to beliefs that aren’t serving you. What do you want to keep and what do you want to move into.
New Years is a time of resolutions. And often these resolutions can be lost in a week or a month. I suggest that you set intention(s) or make a resolution AND to then determine a small step that you can take every day toward that goal. Here are the top ten resolutions according to Time; I added a small step as an example in parenthesis . And then once you have success you can increase it.
- Lost Weight and Get Fit (walk for 2 minutes a day)
- Quit Smoking (smoke one less cigarette)
- Learn Something New (learn a new word in a different language)
- Eat Healthier and Diet (have a healthy snack)
- Get Out of Debt and Save Money (prioritize it, ask yourself each day when you go to the coffee shop if you want the coffee more or the getting out of debt and saving money)
- Spend More Time with Family (give a family member a really good hug)
- Travel to New Places (get out a certain amount of money that you typically spend on treats/ coffee and put a small amount into your traveling fund each day, even 25 cents)
- Be Less Stressed (take a deep breath)
- Volunteer (give your time by giving someone an appreciation)
- Drink Less (drink one less drink than you normally do when you go out)
Homework if you choose: what is your intention for the new year and what is one small step to take towards that goal?
discriminate between different emotions and label them appropriately, and to use emotional
information to guide thinking and behavior.
EI is like IQ with emotions. How do you know what you are feeling (noticing body sensation)? How do you communicate that with others (verbal, non verbal)? Do you share with words or with actions (telling someone vs giving them a cold shoulder)? Can you label accurately what you are feeling (anger vs sadness)? Is there space between stimulus and your response (do you react immediately, take a breath and determine the next course of action)?
This isn’t something that is typically taught. In fact many of us are taught not to listen to ourselves. For example, “You just ate, you can’t be hungry again,” You just went to the bathroom, you can wait,” “Don’t cry, it’s ok, it’s not that bad.”
Homework: There are a ton of tests and quizzes for you to determine your EI. Take one and determine where you are, what do you want to change, what are your strengths?
Layers upon layers. I think this is such a beautiful image of layers.
Yes it is a tree and we have the same layers. Some may be thoughts or what we have heard that we then turn into beliefs. Some are negative thoughts. Some are positive thoughts to negate the others. Perhaps events that have hurt us, that we haven’t gotten over, that we hold onto.
Yet in order to grow, we need to shed those layers. Some happens naturally. By growing new layers the old peels away. Some people may think they can do it on their own and some may need or want some help. And it is okay to ask for help. I think most of us do not live in a vacuum. Help can give guidance to how to peel away the layers, determining what layers you want peeled away vs what you want to keep and is supportive of your growth, and even having witness to the peeling can be quite powerful.
The end of the year is a great time to look at what you want to shed. What supports you in your growth and what hinders you? Take a look.
Last week was Thanksgiving. It is a day to appreciate and share in the bounty of food and company.
What about the other 364 days of the year? I challenge you to give thanks every day at least once. To give to yourself, to someone else, to a stranger on the street, to an acquaintance, to a coworker, to a spouse or partner, to a close friend. To find something that you are thankful for, that you are grateful for, that you appreciate in your life, that is a blessing. The wonderful thing about giving thanks is that it can come in many forms- verbal and nonverbal- in song, with a look, sending love, by the phone, in person. Be creative in ways to give thanks to those in your life. Even if you just acknowledge to yourself the ways that they have touched you and changed your life.
I am a very visual person and enjoy the different colors that people wear or put together. I am great at sharing with those close to me and giving them appreciations. I have recently in the last several month started sharing with people that I don’t even know. People that I pass on the street. I have found it quite freeing, instead of just thinking it, I openly share. And often times I am met with the other person expressing gratitude that I shared and even if they give me a dirty look or snarl at me in some way, I feel better having shared.
Challenge yourself to give freely. I have found that it feeds my soul as well as the other person. There is not a shortage that I am aware of, so have fun with it.
Appreciation for use of this photo.
I want to share with people that I am now in the office on Sat for both coaching and therapy. So if the week is hard to schedule, feel free to schedule on the weekend. People often like having more time before or after, feel relaxed, and enjoy the Sat appointments. Call me at 503-961-3141 for more information or to set up an appointment.